Marketing Wilson the volleyball
Tom Tortorich
The Daily Iowan
IOWA CITY, Iowa
It's the new millennium, and being an American is easier than ever. Even the English language has adapted to our more convenient lifestyles. We can take a shot and take a hit. We can channel surf and surf the Web.
All of this entails little or no effort on our part. We live in a world in which it's possible to surf from a La-Z-Boy recliner.
A few weeks ago, surfing the tube, I learned that Wilson Sporting Goods Inc. is planning on marketing the volleyball named Wilson from the blockbuster, Cast Away.
For those of you who haven't seen the flick, when Tom Hanks' character is stranded on a desert island, one of his only reminders of civilization is a volleyball that has washed ashore with him. He draws a face on it, names it Wilson, and begins talking to it.
If I were stranded on a desert island, I can see how a need to talk to a volleyball would develop.
Why market this product to America? Because it will sell.
Why will it sell? Because Americans are a paradoxical people. We willingly shut ourselves off from the rest of the world — reclining and surfing by ourselves — until we feel the private pang of loneliness. One of the first solutions of the 21st Century for combating loneliness is a volleyball. The desire for companionship, of course, is as old as anything released from Pandora's Box, but never before has it been so convenient to make a friend. The first solution was human interaction. But who wants to mingle when you can have your very own volleyball?
The idea isn't a factory-fresh one, either. It's a millennial twist on the Chia Pet. But, heck, you have to water those. It'll be a cold day in Hades when engineers finally invent an insta-buddy who requires less maintenance than the Wilson volleyball.
The source of my information on the Wilson volleyball offers more proof that it's easier than ever to be an American. WGN News, where I heard this tiddy, is broadcast by the Tribune Co., which brings you the Chicago Tribune. Because reading is too much work, the CEOs decided to make the same information available to us over a medium we can surf.
Or should I say misinformation. It was during the same half-hour news broadcast that the reporters announced the Dow Jones market had dropped an odd number of points that day. Fifteen minutes later, the anchor announced that, thanks to a loyal viewer, the show's producers had realized an error. In fact, the Dow Jones had risen that day.
That's a glaring error. How am I possibly to believe that Wilson is making a volleyball in light of this? Easy solution: Surf the `Net.
None of this involved ever talking to a real person. Never did I utter the question, "Is Wilson making a volleyball named Wilson?" and still I have my answer — or at least a partial one. The company is currently considering the potential marketability of such a product. What's there to consider? You're talking about a culture that turned to Fast Mac because Easy Mac wasn't fast enough and Macaroni and Cheese wasn't easy enough. Even the polysyllabic name Macaroni and Cheese was abbreviated.
Let me just say one word to the guys at the Wilson Corp.: I guarantee a Wilson volleyball named Wilson will sell in this country of ease and convenience. Americans will even vote Wilson for president.
This column first appeared in the University of Iowa newspaper, The Daily Iowan, on Jan. 25, 2001 and is reprinted here courtesy of U-WIRE.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Friday, January 26, 2001
