Don't slash the ballot — I want to vote
Matthew Loughran
This column is a lament for Monday night's losers.
I haven't voted yet.
And I don't mean in this election. Being an Independent living in Maryland, I am not allowed to vote until November.
I haven't voted in any election since I became eligible for such a privilege in 1993.
Yes, I was a government major at Notre Dame. Yes, I watch C-SPAN and CNN whenever I can. Yes, I do have extensive opinions about American politics.
A long period of time without any permanent address and a lack of Maryland state elections in 1999 will make the first presidential election of the new century also the first election in which I will vote.
The only problem is that I am not too certain that I want to.
Unlike a large number of people that I know, I am a moderate liberal. I would have voted for Bill Clinton despite his scandals. But he didn't need my help.
I was ready to embrace Al Gore as a carrier of similar ideals but with the added bonus of being an environmentalist (and relatively scandal-free).
Then I heard the man try to give an impassioned speech.
I hate to say it, but our vice president just does not sound sincere in that tone of voice. He sounds like a man who thinks to himself, "This will get applause," before he says something.
Another unfortunate aspect to the Democratic frontrunner is that, in his normal tone of voice, he couldn't inspire wet grass to grow on a warm, sunny day.
So I turned my thoughts to the multi-talented Bill Bradley. Suppressing the retch of voting for a New York athlete, I watched his demeanor on the campaign trail and the Sunday morning talk shows.
What I saw was a man who could lead the country. He gives off the air of a leader. None of his policy statements about gun control, education or campaign finance seemed too radical for a Republican Congress but rather like a step in the right direction.
Ignoring media-fed hype about his temper or his heart problems, he seems dynamic enough to do the job. Unfortunately, a poor showing in Iowa against Gore may go a long way in eliminating him from consideration before I even get around to the booth.
I hope not.
I wasn't even going to think about the Reform Party. It should be renamed as the I-don't-have-a-chance-in-hell-of-a-regular-party-nomination Party. Donald Trump probably thinks he could convert the White House into a nice, posh tower hotel. Jesse Ventura is a "sexual tyrannosaurus," as he so eloquently puts it in the movie "Predator," and therefore completely out of contention for a job that needs to be held by a man who will NEVER have sex, at least not for the next few years.
In my estimation, Pat Buchanan is the perennial recipient of the Adolf Hitler award for most hatred espoused in one lifetime since 1945. Plus, he went to my rival high school, Gonzaga College-High School in Washington, D.C., so I couldn't vote for him even if he were human.
Then I considered whom I might take from the right.
George W. Bush is the great unknown. As governor of Texas, he has led one of the largest states in the country. But that doesn't help me to get past the creeping sensation that he is a front candidate whom a large portion of the Republican Party is getting behind simply because he can win with his name. I liked his father as president. But that doesn't mean I am ready to vote for the son.
Steve Forbes is trying to buy the presidency and should therefore be sent to Canada.
Alan Keyes is from Maryland. We have heard enough out of him here.
Gary Bauer gives me the creeps. The way that he stares at the camera, I want to run and hide under my bed. I don't know anything about him and I am afraid that if I find out it might only scare me more.
Orrin Hatch has all of the charisma of a man without a pulse. Has anyone checked for it recently?
I lived in Arizona for a couple of years and thus felt a special connection to John McCain, who used to be my senator. Yes, he has a temper. Yes, he did say that Nancy Reagan's "Just say no" campaign actually worked. But still, he has proven that he is willing to work with Democrats on such vital issues as campaign finance reform and gun control measures. Such non-partisanship is what I was hoping for in a candidate. That, in addition to his record of war service to this country and his attitude of certainty about his principles, makes him the only candidate on the right that I can vote for.
But alas. He, like my Democratic choice, also did poorly in Iowa. I only hope that this state — and other minor players like it — don't keep either of those candidates from my ballot when I step up in November.
I want to vote. I really do.
I just don't think that I can, in all good conscience, unless Bradley or McCain is on the ticket.
Can you?
Matt Loughran, a 1998 Notre Dame grad, is an editorial assistant at a publishing house in Lanham, Md., and is studying for a master's degree in liberal arts from St. John's College in Annapolis, Md.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.
All Viewpoint Stories for Wednesday, January 26, 2000
