COLUMN: How to get a job
By KEVIN BERCHOU
Sports Writer
I'll have to admit that I used to be a little worried about my employment prospects following my hopeful graduation from college. After all, the economy is in a slump that has lasted longer than your average Notre Dame head coaching tenure and besides, I have few marketable skills and as for experience well, I'm hoping to get me some of that.
Now, however, my fears are at ease. Instead of lining up internships for next summer or perusing the latest business journals, I'm just "touching up" the old résumé because that appears to be my ticket to the big time.
You see George O'Leary has shown me the light. I now know that my future employment will best be gained not by perspiration but by lots of misinformation. If Georgie boy can tell a few whoppers to land the job of his dreams then I figure so can I.
Not wanting to get too carried away, I began the reconstruction of my life's résumé by making a few minor alterations. The line that details my 2 and 1 victory in match play, secured by draining a six-foot putt on the 17th green, over my high school friend who can barely advance the ball off the tee was amended. Now I trumpet my triumph in the 1998 Masters Tournament highlighted by a final round in which I shot a course record-shattering 61.
My election to student council looks a heck of a lot better now too. According to my résumé I actually served as our great nation's 39th President. Of course that would make me well older than 60 years of age, but come on — I mean its not like anyone is actually going to check any of this stuff out.
Realizing my résumé included only the aforementioned entries I was once again panic-stricken. Sure I can lead the free world while winning its most prestigious golf tournament but I needed to unearth some other talents to catch the eyes of would be employers. I tried to recall simple events from my everyday existence that I could tweak into a solid résumé entry.
After much introspection I remembered the hide and seek game from third grade where I had been crowned undisputed champion. I entered the line to read as follows: Third grade hide-and-seek winner; found Billy hiding in the shed in the backyard.
No doubt even the most difficult to impress folk would have been charmed by my stealth and resourcefulness demonstrated at such an early age, but clearly the line needed some dressing up. It now reads, 2001; captured Osama bin Laden, found him in a cave in his backyard, saved world from further threats of international terrorism.
Remembering that I had once separated my friends Mike and Kevin during a scuffle, I quickly added to my resume that I had once won the Nobel Peace Prize. (Think I could win a Pulitzer for this column?)
Now that my résumé is set, I figure I really don't have anything to worry about. Surely I can find gainful employment nearly anywhere I choose. Even if I can't, I can always coach a football team.
The views of this column are those of the author and are not necessarily those of The Observer. Contact Kevin Berchou at kberchou@nd.edu.
All Sports Stories for Wednesday, January 16, 2002
