Charleston Daily Mail, April 5, 1999

Shoots on sight, that's what I always say.
Well, I don't always say it, but then,
I didn't know we had such a problem with illegal asparagi.
I can picture them now: their slick, lizard-skin leaves,
their stems stretching out like groping fingers
to touch virgin soil. Chills the blood, to think of it.

Sure, they provide cheap resources.
Doesn't mean we should let them overrun America.
Certainly don't want them in my back yard,
squatting next to squash like sixties liberals, ranting
about free love, & living off the land. They're criminals
anyway, stealing all that moisture from the air.

While we're at it, why not do something about zucchini?
Or pumpkins? They're everywhere, seedy eyes staring,
tongues licking softly upon thick lips. I'm carving
that dire image even as I speak. I've heard it said they frighten
children. Shameless. How can we allow it?
We must uproot them all & send them packing.

("Immigration Search May Affect Asparagus Crop" first appeared in The Baltimore Review)