Moustache Mania
Once upon a time, it was cool to have a moustache. It was truly a golden age. You couldn’t turn around without spotting somebody—your neighbor, your dad, or Wilford Brimley—with a bristly friend on his lip. As a child in the 80s, I accepted moustaches as a part of life. My dear friend Mr. Potato Head came with one, the guy on my beloved Monopoly board would be nothing without one, and imagine what the snack industry would be like if the Pringles guy appeared sans “stache.” I shudder at the thought.
Then one day everything changed. It’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment or event when moustaches stopped being cool, but in any event the whole nation was thrown into chaos. Stock in companies like MoustacheCorp plummeted on Wall Street, and the mayor of Moustacheburg was thrown out of town, left alone to cry his moustache tears. Men everywhere began shaving frantically. Razors were flying off the shelves, and upper lips that had not seen sunlight in years were suddenly thrown back into a frightening world they no longer understood.
No one could have expected such a drastic turnabout. I suspect people became frightened by the fact that some of the great monsters of history had moustaches—people like Attila the Hun, Josef Stalin, and Tom Selleck. But for every monster, there’s always been a Gandhi, an Einstein, and an Officer Carl Winslow from Family Matters to show the moustache’s potential for good. So why is it that in this age of tolerance, the only acceptable moustaches are the ones in milk ads?
I am pleased to announce that we, the men of Dillon, will change all of that. From now until mid-February, we’re celebrating the Dillon Hall Stache Bash, a 24-day event during which we will raise moustache awareness by actually growing moustaches. But we’ll also be raising awareness about a much more important issue: testicular cancer. Testicular cancer is nothing to laugh about—it is the leading form of cancer among college-age males, and has recently affected members of the Dillon brotherhood. Many men are unaware of how to prevent the disease and detect it early on.
Every participating Dillonite will accept donations for each day of facial hair growth. All proceeds will go to a fund for testicular cancer awareness. We think the Stache Bash will be one of the most successful fundraisers in the history of dorm life. We are counting on you—our friends and family, to give generously. After all, we are putting ourselves on the line and making social sacrifices by sporting 24-days worth of unpopular and patchy facial hair. We’ve gotten our whole hall staff to participate, even our rector, Fr. Paul Doyle. The least you can do is financially support our idiocy, especially when the Stache Bash ultimately isn’t about us or our moustaches at all, but about a very good cause. Heck, even if you don’t know any Dillonite all that well, stop one you see on the quad. He’ll be pretty easy to pick out of a crowd. Tell him you’re willing to sign up for fifty cents or a dollar per day. Tell him his moustache doesn’t look so bad after all, especially if he’s an 18-year old freshman struggling insecurely to make his peach fuzz grow.
Dillon Hall wants to make a difference in the fight against cancer. In the process, we’ll go a long ways towards bringing the moustache back into social acceptability. Have you ever seen the beautiful sight of over 200 college guys with terrible-looking facial hair? Trust me, you will. Get used to it—who knows, you might even learn to like it. At minimum, by February 13th, Dillon will have successfully made bad moustaches a badge of honor on campus. And just in time to celebrate, too, because that night we’ll be having the real Stache Bash, a semi-formal dance at Chuck E. Cheese’s. We’ll have moustache awards for best, worst, and most creative staches(we’re hoping Rollie Fingers-style). But of course, every man of Dillon will be a winner, because he can think about his awesome moustache. And those freshmen will be on top of the world too, because we’ll be providing fake moustaches to help them cover up that pathetic peach fuzz.
Our lady friends win big too, because what woman doesn’t dream of being invited to a dance by a guy with a moustache? But even if some crazy girls out there are disgusted by all of this moustache-mania, they’ll love what we’re doing the day after the dance. That’s right, on February 14, all of us will be shaving off our moustaches as Dillon Hall’s Valentine’s Day present to the women of Notre Dame.
The biggest winners of all though will be those who benefit from your pledges. We in Dillon hope you’ll support our efforts. Let the moustaching begin.