The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.--Mark Twain
Some halls on campus have a cockroach problem. Others have a rodent problem. But only one hall has a pyromaniac problem: Morrissey Hall. Apparently, someone has been going around the dorm late at night, setting little fires in front of people's doors. The first couple of times, the fires were merely lit in front of doors, but the next two times, some of the paper was actually wedged underneath the doors. To the pyromaniac, this may be a pretty funny prank, but to the rest of the world, this is called arson. Since the person the Gipp is dealing with is obviously not too bright, he will break it down into layman's terms. Making fires = BAD. You get caught, you go bye-bye. Who knows, maybe there is something to those claims that Beavis and Butthead are bad influences after all. Personally, the Gipp would love to be a fly on the wall when this individual has to explain to his parents exactly why it was he decided to, literally, set fire to his $100,000 education.
On the topic of weirdos, the Gipp was informed that someone on campus recently e-mailed the Office of Information Technology and requested that they subscribe to the newsgroup alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.teens.male. Larry Rapagnani, the Provost of the OIT, e-mailed the sender back a brief, polite response. It read, "We don't support newsgroups such as this. Thanks for requesting." What he should have said was, "No way in hell, you perverted freak. Make any more sicko requests and we'll commit you to an asylum." The sender later denied ever sending the message and claimed that someone had access to his/her e-mail account. Whether this is a valid claim or a desperate attempt to salvage some pride, the fact remains that there is someone at Notre Dame with an extremely warped mind. The Gipp suggest that the OIT add the newsgroup alt.binaries.freak.loser.getalife.now.
The Gipp will now move off the topic of weirdos and back tot he topic of illegal actions. While most dorm residents must migrate to the dorm lounge to catch some college hoops or the next episode of Bass Masters, residents of Zahm can enjoy all this and more in the privacy of their rooms. Some unnamed athlete in Zahm is quite proud of himself for splicing the cable, allowing a good majority, if not all, of Zahm Hall to enjoy cable. That's all fine and dandy as long as TCI of Michiana doesn't have a subscription to Scholastic.
Before you start berating the ethics of today's youth and throwing your hands up in disgust, there is another story you should know about. The rector of another dorm, which the Gipp will call Some Guy dorm so as not to incriminate anyone, told another unnamed athlete he "could put it in [splice the cable] if he didn't break anything." The Gipp has two questions: 1) Why is it always athletes? and 2) If the residents of Some Guy dorm are allowed to splice the cable, is this also the case in Zahm, or elsewhere, for that matter? Inquiring minds want to know.
"...Uh, you said, uh, that, uh, after Notre Dame defeated St. John's, they improved to a 3 and 7 records that they suck. OK? Well, you suck! OK? Why don't you get a ****ing life and learn to watch Notre Dame basketball? ... Get a ****ing life ***hole!"
Eloquent and well-versed, this is a fragment of the response one of our columnists received on his answering machine after last week when he wrote in his Editor's Choice that, while Notre Dame basketball was playing that weekend, he would be watching the Bulls game. Since when is honesty a bad policy? In addition, who says he doesn't know how to watch ND basketball? It's easy, really--never get your hopes up because even the largest leads can be blown in a matter of seconds. Let's be honest: in the Big East, we are boys among men. It's our first year. Accept it.
So long for now, Gipp fans. Keep those tips coming. The Gipp trusts that all your Valentine's Day adventures went well. He would have added his own little commentary about the dreaded day, but he figured that topic had already been driven into the ground. All the Gipp did was sit at home and fling half dissolved yellow and green candy hearts at the television set trying to make them stick. Who says the Gipp is uncreative?