Ouch.--Ron Powlus
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it was only a matter of time before something else happened which could be added to the growing national list, "stupid things college football players do." A couple of weeks ago, a certain famous Notre Dame player (names will remain anonymous to protect from total embarrassment) got a little tipsy. Shocking, right?
Well, as the story goes, this person--we'll call him Rudy--woke up from a drunken stupor next to a woman he didn't even recognize. Rudy, still drunk off his gourd, then attempted to visit the little boys room. Unfortunately, he completely overshot the bathroom and ended up in an unsuspecting freshman's room, where he relived himself in a garbage can. He then sat down on a couch and rifled through the now-arisen-and-completely-shocked freshman's laundry, looking for some boxers. Oh, did the Gipp forget to mention that Rudy was buck naked?
In the end, the befuddled and confused freshman had to find the nearest available assistant rector to remove the urinating bandit. Here is indisputable proof that less time and effort should go toward drug and alcohol awareness and more should go toward solving bladder control problems.
Another student recently fell victim to a football player outside the Administration Building. The student was on his way to the Done and when he got there, he felt safe enough to leave his bike unlocked as he ducked inside. Obviously this kid did not watch enough episodes of Officer McGruff when he was younger, for when he returned to the last-known locale of his bike, he found nothing. So the bikeless student gave security a report of what happened and returned to his dorm, down and dejected.
It was at this point that sheer luck (and someone else's sheer stupidity) brought the victim good fortune. As he was passing a freshman football player's room down the hall from his, he saw, through a door barely ajar, his long lost bike. The student stoke his bike back, notified security and justice will soon prevail.
"The Gipp will take 'Things That Will Get You Arrested' for 1,000 please, Alex." What do you think was going through this football player's head when he decided to steal a bike from someone down the hall? One can only speculate. The Gipp has one last thing to say--Mike Miller wannabe.
Notre Dame hockey fans have a new treat for the 1995 season. Apparently, a Beavis and Butthead fan is the new organ player. Go to the games and you will be entertained by your "favorite" hockey game organ songs, including "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns and Roses and "Ironman" by Ozzy Ozbourne. What can be more traditional at a hockey game than hot dogs, pretzels, fist fights and your favorite heavy metal songs played on the organ during a stoppage in play?
Since the new stands installed around the ice rink are portable, maybe they should move them back about 10 feet and make the area around the rink one big mosh pit. Every time Notre Dame scores, the student section could go nuts to the sounds of Motley Crue's "Dr. Feelgood," organ style. The possibilities are endless. So the next time you go to a Notre Dame hockey game, don't forget to bring a lighter for the stirring 15-minute rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" in between periods.
Does anyone remember our friend Pepe Le Pew who reportedly roamed the campus during the first month of the semester? Well, a new furry little friend has reportedly been slinking around in the shadows of Notre Dame recently--a black cat. The Gipp can't decide which public pariah he'd rather come across in the middle of the night--a skunk that, if properly frightened, could make your life miserable for days or a black cat that can transform even the most die-hard skeptic into a paranoid freak throwing salt over his shoulder. It is, however, quite amusing to see how people react when they run across the cat, zigzagging this way and that so it doesn't actually cross their paths.
Perhaps the cat was brought in to chase away the skunk, because the malodorous mammal was last seen somewhere in the vicinity of Turtle Creek. Personally, the Gipp would rather see the black cat kicked off campus. Maybe he's being a little paranoid, but there as been some pretty bad luck going around as of late. Case in point? Ron Powlus. Enough said.
Farewell, Gipp fans and, until next time, the Gipp wishes you good luck in trying to find something to do on Saturday. He knows many of you will go through Notre Dame football withdrawal. Try getting out for a change. Go bowling, watch a movie or simply throw together your own football game. Of course tailgating before any of these events is strictly optional.