Oedipus, put your mother down. You'll poke your eyes out.--from Mystery Science Theater 3000
For those of you who have been complaining about how the Notre Dame football team isn't perfect, or those of you who leave the game after the first quarter because you can't refrain from drinking for four entire quarters, enjoy the football games while you can. After you graduate, tickets will probably cost you a minimum of $20,000 in alumni contributions per annum. However, if you are like the Gipp and owe everything, including your firstborn son, to banks and student loans, consider becoming an employee of Notre Dame as a stadium usher. Rumor has it that alumni of this highly selective profession get a "gold card" which allows them entry to any and all home football games, after only 10 years post-retirement. Albeit unfair, that's not a bad employee benefit, if you ask the Gipp. Do veteran security officers get unrestricted permission to drive on campus? How about veteran dining hall workers? Do they get a "golden ID" which gives them unlimited dining hall meals? The Gipp thinks that Notre Dame students are getting the short end of the stick here.
If you want fleshy stimulation in the form of high-quality interactive cinema and don't have the $6.50 to go see Showgirls, just follow the USC football team. Confused? A few Gipp fans were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on US 31 after the game on Saturday, and they happened to drive up next to the charter buses hauling away the thoroughly embarrassed USC football team. As the students rolled up to one of the buses, instead of seeing the expected sullen and distraught faces of a team disgraced, they saw a busload of rowdy, cheering, happy Trojans. Why, you may ask? Playing on the overhead TV/VCRs in the bus was not recent game footage, but rather a licentious display of carnal pleasure (i.e. a porno flick). If that's what they watched after the game, what did they watch before the game, Ishtar? No wonder they couldn't score.
The Gipp was perusing through the Notre Dame media guide the other day (as he often does considering his non-existent social life) and he came across a rather amusing, yet practical, sidebar. The media guide has a little section listing the hard-to-pronounce names of players and how to pronounce them phonetically. The Gipp thinks this is a great idea. Here are a few of the hard names, with the correct pronunciation, followed by popular mispronunciations:
Perhaps this is a little outdated, but Scholastic did not have an issue planned for Alcohol Awareness Week, and the Gipp can't let anything amusing go unmentioned. The Gipp supports the efforts of the Office of Drug and Alcohol Education to promote safe drinking, but he could not help feeling a little befuddled by the last event listed on their table tents. The Gipp is not referring to the Disoriented Domer Dash, but the viewing of the movie Dracula followed by a discussion likening alcoholism to vampire-ism. The Gipp's respect for the whole week were washed right down the proverbial porcelain god with that event. If that event was the best idea they had, the Gipp can only speculate as to what the competition was:
Good-bye, Gipp fans. Keep your tips rolling in and remember: just because you may drink more than three beers in one sitting doesn't mean you are a vampire. A werewolf, maybe, but not a vampire. Think about it. Most men wake up on Sundays with a really hairy, unshaven face. Dismissed as coincidence...