CAMPUS WATCH by the Gipper

Attitude, Allegations, and Innuendo

"I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty."--Bart Simpson

NO DECEPTIVE ADVERTISING HERE

Some devoted Campus Watcher e-mailed the Gipp a very curious little tidbit. He brought to the Gipp's attention that outside the loading dock of the North Dining Hall there is a rather large metal barrel, labeled simply, "Inedible." It's definitely an eyesore, but at least NDH is trying to make some sort of effort to weed out vomit-inducing, three-week-old foodstuffs. But having a rusty aluminum spoiled food collector in plain view outside any eating establishment does not put faith in the hearts of the incoming patrons. It's just not good protocol. Next, why not try placing bottles of Raid Roach Killer at every table or handing out Maalox and barf bags at every door? No beating around the bush there. The Gipp suggests hiding the barrel. The students know the food at the dining halls is inedible. You don't have to remind them.

WISH YOU WERE THERE

Even though he was there, the Gipp was not fortunate enough to gain entrance into the Ohio State game last weekend. As it turns out, however, the real fun and excitement happened outside the stadium. Here are a few gems from the latest road trip to the Buckeye State:

  • A group of Notre Dame students took a walk on the wild side last weekend and decided to cross the street even though the neon sign distinctly read, "DON'T WALK." Well, one officer wasn't going to let such a heinous disregard for the law go unpunished, so he gave the public miscreants two choices. Either they would be arrested for "reckless disregard of a traffic control device" or they had to buy a candy bar from the little girl on the corner. They obviously didn't need to talk to their lawyers on this one. In the end, the little girl ended up with five less candy bars, five more dollars and the police officer probably took home 20 percent of the daily profits. What a country!

  • Not all the members of the Buckeye police force were so forgiving. On Friday night, the crowd at the popular bar Sloopy's had gotten a little too large. To disperse the crowd in a peaceful and quiet manner, the Buckeye police looked through their handy dandy copy of Hitler's Guide to Crowd Dispersal and chose to tear gas the entire crowd. Subtle, yet effective. The Gipp has both a comment and a question: 1) A much easier and probably more effective way of getting rid of a such a large mob of drunken idiots is the utterance of four simple words: "The kegs are dry." 2) Why didn't the drunks at the bar get the candy bar ultimatum?

  • Who said Irish Catholics are alcoholics? A couple of Notre Dame fans stumbled upon (literally) a bar in one of the most unlikely of places: the second floor of a church. When they entered the bar, it was full of old Irish men and a collection of Notre Dame and Ohio State alumni. What a novel idea. The Gipp thinks this concept should be put to practical use on this campus. Can you imagine how crazy the Basilica would be on football weekends?

  • The Gipp's favorite story from the Buckeye State was the appearance of a certain shameless man sprinting down the field during the game. This man, wearing nothing but his birthday suit and a well-placed palm, zig-zagged his way to the 30-yard line, stopped, did his best impression of the Heisman pose and then disappeared into the crowd from whence he came. Apparently, his moves were good enough to elude all security officers. Perhaps we should find this man and sign him up. Uniform optional, of course.

    WHO SHOULD BE PUNCHING WHO?

    Some Notre Dame students were present at a local bar when several members of our football team entered, seemingly drunk as skunks and raging with testosterone. (The names of those present in this not-so-merry band will be withheld to guard against a losing season, but it will be noted that some are famous and most are underage.) They apparently recognized someone in Bridget's who they recalled was "talking @#%*" (expletive sounding like sit) the week before. A few words were exchanged, one player threw a flurry of punches and, just like that, some poor guy ended up with a face only a mother could love. A few minutes later, the pugilist was MIA and the rest of the boys stayed to pound beers the rest of the night.

    It is truly unfortunate, and blatantly obvious, that these guys didn't use up all of their aggression on the field in Ohio Stadium. Only afterwards could they truly be called the "Fighting" Irish. And the Gipp is sure that all of you out there are wondering how these well-known underage guys got into the bar in the first place. OK, maybe that sentence speaks for itself, but in case you were wondering, the bouncer let them in the back door.

    That's it for now, Gipp fans. Thanks for all of your support and information. To all those who haven't e-mailed the Gipp, don't think it doesn't hurt. Have a blast this weekend and always remember: keep your eyes peeled and your ears to the ground. You never know what you'll pick up.

    Gipper.1@nd.edu