"Excessive interviews show that not one alcoholic has ever actually seen a pink elephant."--Yale University, Center of Alcoholic Studies
The Gipp has been getting rather annoyed as of late due to the overcrowded conditions at home football games. A few Notre Dame students have witnessed an unusual occurrence this past Saturday revealing the corrupt ushers may be at the bottom of it all. Apparently, 10 Holy Cross track team members sans tickets were approached by an usher who offered them entrance to the game for the low, low price of 20 bucks a head. After the money changed hands, each was handed a blank sheet of paper and led to one gate where, after a few winks and nods were exchanged, they were allowed into the stadium. Later, the Gipp and a number of other students saw these same Holy Cross students sitting in the aisles of the student section.
The Gipp's first emotion was one of rage: these same ushers can't find it in their cold hearts to let an 18-month-old child into the game? His second emotion was one of disbelief. Twenty bucks? That user could have gotten at least 50 bucks a head. His final emotion was one of interest. The Gipp could really use extra tickets to the Boston College game. After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Before the Texas game this past weekend, the Gipp was browsing through the Texas football media guide and noticed one particularly "interesting" Texas student organization--the Texas Angels. Comprised of 27 females, "their primary duty is to serve as hostesses for the football recruits." Hostesses?!! Is that the latest euphemism going around these days? Sounds more like an offshoot of Heidi Fleiss' "escort service."
After reading about these Texas "Angels," the Gipp couldn't help but reflect upon the fact that Notre Dame has one of their best recruiting season ever this year. Could there possibly be a Notre Dame version of the Texas Angels? The Notre Dame Leprechaunettes? Well, not officially, anyway, but it's definitely something to make you go, "Hmmmm."
Did anyone read the warning concerning climbing upon the scaffolding around the Administration Building? It was handed out to you at registration, along with your own private issue of DuLac. (Perhaps that explains a lot.) Well, apparently someone was caught attempting such a climb because recently barbed wire was added to the tops of most of the fences. That's right. Now the Administration Building looks more like a state penitentiary and less like a historical building. Is this the Notre Dame Administration Building or a scene right out of besieged Sarajevo? Of course, the barbed wire is to prevent students from actually hurting themselves climbing on the scaffolding. This way, they'll get hurt before they even get there. The next step is the installation of sniper towers up and down God quad.
Speaking of sniper towers (sort of), the Gipp doesn't know if anyone realizes this, but Bill Kirk sits in the press box at every football game monitoring the student section, sometimes with binocular. Big Brother is definitely watching. Apparently he isn't looking too hard, though, because someone who watched the game on TV reported seeing a shot of Lou Holtz smoking a pipe in the press box. Hey Bill, look behind you--that's a no-no.
Sorry, Lou, the Gipp doesn't mean to be a tattletale. He understand you've had a rough couple of weeks. The Gipp's just jealous because every time the Gipp lights up, the ushers beat him to a pulp.
Complaints have been floating around many of the older dorms, including Zahm and Cavanaugh, concerning certain uninvited guests: cockroaches. The estimates of the size of these intruders have ranged form moderately big to too-large-to-be-stepped-on. Funny, the Gipp thought that cockroaches were generally found in dark, dirty environments, abounding in the filth which they need to breed. Sounds to the Gipp like people have been neglecting a few household duties, like throwing away three-wee-old Papa John's boxes and four-week-old beer cans. It's probably time to fire the maid.
The time has come for the Gipp to depart. Perhaps, by the time most of you read this, the Gipp will be off and on his way to the Buckeye State to watch Notre Dame march onward to victory (Please, God!). The Gipp hopes, however, that Notre Dame doesn't run up the score too high. He couldn't possibly stomach watching another lackluster display of push-ups performed by the Leprechaun. Was that televised? The Gipp thought the ability to do push-ups was right up there on the Leprechaun prerequisite list with the ability to walk, talk and grow a beard. Come on, cheerleaders, give the man a hand!