CAMPUS WATCH by the Gipper

Attitude, Allegations, and Innuendo

Why sir, I have not yet begun to defile myself.--Doc Holiday in Tombstone

THE HESBURGH GOLD MINE

Well, if you have been to the 'Brare any time in the past year or so, you should have noticed that Notre Dame has changed its highly efficient security system. They finally gave those airport radar detectors a purpose beyond their purely aesthetic beauty: they have installed little metallic University of Notre Dame Hesburgh Library stickers in every book and magazine. The cost to Jane and Joe Tuition Payer? Eleven dollars per sticker.

Now, if you remember any of the useless facts given to you at freshman orientation, you'd know that there are over three million books in the Hesburgh Library. The Gipp may not be a math major, but he does remember enough fifth grade math to know that adds up to one fat sum of cash (over $33 million). What the Gipp wants to know is, what will keep any nitwit with half a brain from tearing the sticker out and walking out unimpeded? Perhaps the administration should have used that money as a donation to get better sculptures on campus. Sorry, the Gipp couldn't help himself.

IS THAT SO?

The Gipp would be remiss if he did not comment on what has been the talk of campus for the past couple of weeks. Many have pondered over the somewhat questionable statistical evaluation the Observer did in its five column mini-series on the drinking problem at Notre Dame. There may be a drinking problem at Notre Dame, but the real problem may be how the Observer got the results of its poll. Who was polled--the small fraction of people that inhabit the Huddle on Friday and Saturday nights? Two hundred people hardly constitute an accurate poll for Notre Dame, a campus of about 8,000 students. The only thing it shows is that the people at the Observer don't like math and wanted numbers that easily convert into percentages. Accurate? Well, if the Observer found that only 43 percent of underage students on campus have fake IDs, they obviously haven't been to Bridget's lately. Perhaps they polled all the students that still go to Jay's Lounge in Michigan.

GET WITH THE PROGRAM:
PART III

The Gipp hates to be a whiner, but he must report on some questionable and shocking stories that came to the Gipp's attention concerning the fearless and heartless ushers that protect our stadium during game time. Here are the latest:

  • One student was turned away from the stadium and refused entrance because he was too drunk. Go figure. The Gipp was under the assumption that blatant intoxication was a prerequisite for entrance into the game. The shocker is that the guard took his ticket booklet away and now the student has to pay the $90 fee to get it back. If they keep this up, that stadium sure will be empty by the time we play Boston College.

  • Another drunken student was lucky (or unlucky) enough to make it into the game. After eluding several ushers who were trying to make him leave because of his intoxicated state, he was finally caught, handcuffed and thrown in prison. As if that weren't bad enough: to exact revenge for making them exert some effort, the ushers pepper-sprayed him AFTER they handcuffed him. Two words come to mind: police brutality.

  • If the above display of raging testosterone wasn't enough, it was also brought to the Gipp's attention that one usher was heartless enough to put his foot down and turn away a man with an 18-month-old child because he felt the infant needed a ticket. My question is this: what trouble could this cuddly little bundle of joy possibly cause? She's too small even to need a seat, she won't cheer too loud or annoy the neighbors and she won't do anything stupid because she's probably the only sober person in the stadium.

    So long for now, Gipp fans. By the way, keep your eyes out for the kazoos that student government will be handing out on Friday. These annoying little contraptions will be used to counteract the annoying cow bells the Texas fans will most assuredly be ringing this Saturday at the game. If you don't get a kazoo, just start making a sound resembling the noise made by Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. You'll fit right in. Adieu and happy tailgating.

    FUN WITH STICKIES

    Here is something for all of you Hesburgh Library residents to try out during your free time:

    1. Locate a couple of those metallic security stickers in the closest available books and carefully detach. (Don't worry, they are not too hard to find.)

    2. Since they have probably lost their stick, place some double sided tape, or any other adhesive, on the backs.

    3. Disperse them around on the floor in heavy traffic areas. Wait for someone to unsuspectingly tread upon one and follow. This will be funnier if the person has a really stuffed book bag.

    4. Get some popcorn, pull up a seat by the exit and watch the fun as the flustered and bewildered security guard tries to figure out why the alarm keeps going off.

    Write the Gipp back if this works for anyone. He would like to hear about the extent of his influential powers on campus.

    Gipper.1@nd.edu