"Disappointment is to the noble soul what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it."--Eliza Tabor
Welcome back, Gipp fans, and to all the new students, just plain welcome. Anyone else still in denial after last Saturday? Someone please pinch the Gipp and tell him we did not lose to a team ranked 79th. Buck up, little campers, because the season has just begun. Just go back out there next week and, well, win one for the Gipper.
It was brought to the Gipp's attention that Notre Dame's way of greeting the incoming freshman was slapping them with 12 a.m. parietals. Shocked? Neither is the Gipp. We wouldn't want those incoming bundles of hormones to do anything stupid. However, here is an interesting side bar: parietals for incoming freshmen at Saint Mary's were 2 a.m. Shocked? Neither is the Gipp. Those women will do anything to lure men over there. Men, don't be fooled by such blatantly obvious luring tactics. Hold out for 3 a.m. parietals and make them throw in free beer and then negotiate. Always haggle and never seem too eager.
One campus watcher has informed the Gipp that one day while the residents of Cavanaugh were moving in during freshmen orientation weekend, she noticed five to six secret-service-looking men drive up in an unmarked car and plant themselves around the building. When RAs in the building were asked what was going on, they simply said they were not allowed to comment on the situation. The rector, when questioned, claimed ignorance to the whole ordeal.
Has the rector gone militant in trying to crack down on parietal breaking or has she been receiving bomb threats from disgruntled, pre-sex-change Cavanaugh residents? Those kooky guys. Don't worry, the Gipp gets bomb threats all the time.
Recently, the prostitution business has received quite a lot of attention, thanks to Heidi Fleiss, Hugh Grant, Newt Gingrich and others. Don't think that good old Catholic Notre Dame is any safe haven from such debauchery. At the end of last year, a certain anatomy professor at Notre Dame, who also had a son graduating from Notre Dame, was arrested for allegedly picking up a prostitute, who happened to be an undercover officer. Whoops. Of course, the professor claimed he was joking the whole time and cried entrapment.
The Gipp tried to call said professor to get his side of the story. Claiming, "I was only joking," never quite worked for the Gipp, but maybe it's all in the delivery.
This Gipp column would not be complete without a little personal commentary on the changes that have riddled this campus and perplexed all returning students. Here are a few that come to mind:
1) The new business building has been the topic of discussion for quite some time now, and even though its outside architecture ranks right down there with DeBartolo Hall, the Gipp can't complain about it. Maybe the constant sight of DeBartolo has numbed his sense of taste.
2) What the Gipp will not leave alone is the explosion of horrendous sculpture around the campus, seemingly centered around the new business building. Everyone is familiar with the "Blue and Red Directional Arrow on Acid," but few know about the "Hot Pink Bubble Gum Goo Ascending Staircase," or the "Rusty Cannon on Railroad Tracks." All you non-business majors (the Gipp included) should take a walk around DeBartolo and the College of Business Administration to see what your tuition hikes went towards.
3) You know the Gipp couldn't leave you alone, North Dining Hall. While the Gipp commends your efforts on trying to improve your appearance, making the interior look like a really bad SYR on the rampage was not the answer. The explosion of ivy and foliage makes everyone feel like they are knee-deep in the Congo. And while the red mood lighting behind Mario's Deli is soothing and romantic, it still won't fool anyone into thinking that the roast beef is actually pink.
4) One thing that the Gipp has noticed every year upon his return to campus is new sidewalk additions. Thanks to the lazy lot of us, this campus is going to be one giant slab of concrete in about three years. At least there will be plenty of room for four square.
Well that's it for now. A hearty thank you goes out to all of you who submitted comments and suggestions to the Gipp. As for himself, he's going to go check out "Flying Skystone" and "Adoration Bequeaths an Unrequited Poem" outside DeBartolo and the Hesburgh Peace Center.
