Attitude, Allegations, and Innuendo
Attitude, Allegations, and Innuendo
Greetings and salutaions, kiddies. Once again, it's that time of the year when the old Gipper steps down and a new one arises from his ashes, much like the Phoenix of mythological fame. Usually, part of this passing of the torch includes the revelation of the identity of the old Gipp. However, fearing his life and well-being, after the publication of his final Gipper column the old Gipp disappeared to parts unknown somewhere in the Philippines. The Gipp will honor his request not to be revealed until the administrative dogs have lost his scent and picked up my own. Here, boy!
A lawsuit is due to arise in May against "...the Univeristy of Notre Dame, its trustees and several unnamed mebers of the university security/police department" concering an event which occurred in April 1993. It was a beautiful spring day, when suddenly, from somewhere in town, a mentally handicapped individual found his way into the Kresge Law Library, ready to perform acts of unspeakable evil.
Enter: our fearless Notre Dame Security SWAT team. Using the patented Stormin' Normin flanking maneuver, security was able to neutralize the overwhelemed man before he could successfully set into action his diabolical plans to make a copy at the copy machine. They proceeded to forcibly detain the man and chalk up a complaint list from him a mile long. All in all, security should get a pat on the back for saving us ten cents.
It would appear as if yet another Domer has recently had a run in with the disciplinary powers that be. One fan revealed to the Gipp that Jeff Shoup, Directory of Residence Life, sent him a letter requesting that he be a witness at a hearing concering a certain incident at his Turtle Creek apartment. Unable to attend, a warning from Shoup was hand delivered to our unnamed victum by our vey own Notre Dame Security. The letter stated that failure to attend the hearing would result in possible "disenrollment" (Huh?) from the university.
The Gipp is willing to overlook Shoup's brutal hacking of the English language in an attempt to sound intelligent. (You do not "disenroll" someone, Jeff, you expel.) The Gipp is, however, slightly disturbed by the fact that our Notre Dame Security is providing door-to-door mail service for members of the administration. Little did the Gipper know that while he is slowly losing his motor skills due to the repeated stun gun attacks he has been a victim of in Taser Alley, Notre Dame Security is delivering various sorts of junk mail for the administration. That's OK. The Gipp understands the old saying, "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night..."
It has come to the Gipp's attention that Monk "Mario Andretti" Malloy was spotted barreling down Saint Mary's Street and, consequently, running a stop sign near the grotto. But don't think that he is getting any special privileges from security. With the recent outburst of roving mentally handicapped people wandering campus and with the new Victoria's Secret spring catalog coming out soon, Notre Dame Security is pretty busy right now.
The Gipp has noticed a disturbing trend that will, according to his sources, continue into next year: ugly "The Shirt" designs. Evidently the prototype for next year is so attricious that it makes this year's kelly green monser look like a limited edition Giorgio Armani special. Ignoring ugly layout and ugly pictures, there is apparently a very large and very heinous-looking hot pink and purple lightening bolt on the back. Rally the troops! If you wish to express your disma concerning this up and coming abomination, contact Gayle Spencer in Student Activities at 1-7308. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to field your calls.
So long as you are penciling in things to do in your notebook, the Gipp has another mission for those of you who have nothing better to do. There have been numerous complaints made to the Gipp concerning a certain security guard at the North Gate. Apparently, no matter how valid your excuse is, the guard will not let you on campus until you ask him nicely and in proper English. This is reminiscent of the Gipp's third grade teacher, who wouldn't let him go to the bathroom until he used the phrase "may I" in a civil tone. Sounds like someone has a little bit of an insecurity comples about his own position, which is on the same IQ level as a toll booth attendant. So whenever you need to get onto campus, use North Gate. Talk and act like a New York taxi driver, and if he doesn't let you on campus, utter a few tasteless mother jokes and ive away feeling fulfilled.
Well, that's all for now. With all the negative publicity given to the Notre Dame Security, the Gipp would like to add one thing in their defense. At this very moment, the Gipper is enjoying the ten cents saved by our campus police by chewing on three brand new pieces of Bazooka Bubble Gum. Heck, there's even one cent to spare for the Gipp's Alumni contribution. Thank you, ND security. >POF!<
