"Reload the torpedo tubes and set the safties to zero. This time we won't miss!" Captain Cassidy of the U.S.S Oppression, a Notre Dame-clas attack submarine.
Unless this is Oz and the Gipper and his lovable little dog are dreaming, it seems like the persecution has stopped. Right! Yea! Sure! More like the Student Activites brain trust interpreted the Gipp's concluding statement of last week as not so much of an invitation for them to actually place their lips on his posterior (which is was), but as an admission that the Gipper was going into voluntary retirement (which it wasn't).
One of the Gipper'ser sources was recently at the Grotto asking Mary for a favor. While he was there, Father Hesburgh came down the steps to pay a visit. After Father Ted was done praying he picked out one of the big $2.00 candles, lit it, left it and walked away--the only problem was that he didn't give Mary $2.00 for the candle. The Gipp supposes that Father Hesburgh can use the excuse that 35 years of meaningful service as the president of the university entitles him to a few free candles. But the Gipp things that if Monk is getting paid almost two-hundred grand a year, a real president like Hesburgh must have been pushing seven figures, and that should buy a lot of candles.
This is a new segment of Campus Watch, in which the Gipp quotes real administrators lying through their teeth and then awards them the Father Pinocchio, C.S.C., award for creative bald-faced lies. The week the award goes to Father Bill Beauchamp, executive vice-Father, for the following gems.
"Due to the addition of elevators, restrooms and enclosed stairwells, the renovation of the Main Building will yield 25 percent less office space."
Truth: The Main Building is approximately 150,000 square feet of usable space. The Gipper just doesn't buy the story that elevators and bathrooms are going to take up 37,500 square feet. The Gipp is more inclined to believe a high-placed source who said that the renovated Main Building is "going to make Sacred Heart look like a slum," and that most of the usable space will be lost in palace-sized offices for Father Beauchamp and other less important administrators like Monk.
"When the Architecture and Main Buildings were tagged in need of immediate attention, it did not mean that they are in imminent danger from structural weakness."
Truth: Both buildings are in such bad shape that heavy breezes can do serious damage. The Gipp tends to believe a source from the official campus architects' office who said that there is a real problem in the Main Bulding "with century-old nails falling out of floors and walls in the hundreds every year."
Dishonorable mention for the Father Pinocchio, C.S.C., Award this week goes to William Sexton, vice-president for university relations (chief money-grubber) for this pearl.
Financial contributors believe, "that there should be more emphasis on people programs versus bricks and motar (which indicates a need for better communication about how the university accomplishes its educational goals)."
Perhaps he was drawn to the A.C.C. because of the gentle, maternal breast image it casts across the eastern sky... whatever the reason, the Gipper spent a large part of this last weekend (when he wasn't hiding from the search dogs) watching Notre Dame's winter sports embarrassments: the basketball and hockey teams. First, over in the south boob:
And over in the north boob where the South Bend pee-wees have won more games than the hockey team:
That's it, that's all for this week. The Gipper isn't sure if there will be a next week--that will depend on whether Student Activities listened to the "Singing Constitutional Law-gram" which he sent.
Oh, and you can still kiss my ass.