"I gotta go now, Rock. But someday when Scholastic's up against it, and Student Activities is beating the editors, tell 'em to go in there and rpint just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Rock, but I'll read it and I'll laugh at them."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

The Gipper wants to reminds everyone under the tarnished dome that their favorite writer turned 100 years old on Saturday, February 18. That's right, the good old Gipper entered Willard Scott's 100th birthday club this month. Too bad terminal censorship is going to kill the Gipp shortly after this column is finished.

EAT THIS

Special thanks to the staff of the North Dining Hall which took it upon themselves to throw out about 2,100 brand-spanking-new issues of Scholastic last Thursday. The Gipp isn't sure if the NDH staff was angry about his report on the gun-wielding loading dock worker, or the fact that the Gipper characterized the extraordinarily competent and useful ID watchers in a not very nice way. Anyway, if you live on North Quad and missed Scholastic last week you can address your complaints to: Josef Stalin, North Dining Hall Manager, Gulag Archipelago.

P.S. Scholastic is produced with student activities funs which you contribute--next week NDH will be lighting the chaind dishes with students' $100 bills.

DON'T TELL THE GESTAPO

The Gipp is proud to announce that the residents of Carroll Hall (whom the Gipper put on his Freaks List for their naked slip 'n slide incident) have redeemed themselves in the Gipp's eyes. Since the commencement of construction of Coca-Cola Quad on the golf course, the Carrollites have found that the gate which keeps cars from taking the D-6 road all the way onto campus is no longer there. The ever-ingenious and paranoid campus security piled snow across the road to block cars from getting to the sacred campus. In the dead of night, though, the Vermin escaped and un-shoveled the snow. After a general panic broke out over illegal cars on campus, security piled dirt across the road. The Vermin struck again. But when an unauthorized car parked almost scratched Monk's Buick, security stretched a metal cable across the road (you know, the kind that farmers string across their property in winter to decapitate snowmobilers). And the Carrollers cut it. Gooo Carroll--Beat Security.

THAT'S A SEXY MASCOT

The Gipper has a little idea that can incorporate historical research and another gross money-making scheme for the bookstore. The Gipp was apprised by one of his more well-read campus watchers that the original form of the word "leprechaun" was LUBRICAN. Now perk up your ears, bookstore marketing geniuses, and hear the Gipp's idea to make more money and solve the Catholic Church's birth-control dilemma: instead of having that fourteenth kid, Mr. and Mrs. Murpphy can enjoy the protection of a Lubrican--the Irish-Catholic condom. Not only does the Lubrican display the feisty image of the lovable Leprechaun when rolled out to its full length, but it plays the Victory March when the friction against its Fr. Nieuwland-inspired latex sides builds to a fevered pace. The Gipp says the Lubrican beats a good rhythm any night.

TRY SIGN LANGUAGE

The Gipper was not able to go to Junior Parents Weekend because he does not have junior parents and he was tied to a chair deep inside the Main Building. But faithful junior campus watchers report that the Gipp missed one zinger of a speech from the class president. "You might be wrapped up in all sorts of events in the news like... whatever," was just one profound pearl which was reported to the Gipp (along with a disturbing story of the president's mother sniffing mean in his pockets). The Gipper has just one word of advice: proof-reader.

That's it, that's all for... well, until this university ratified the Bill of Rights. So may the Gipper leave his beloved readers with this: "I came, I saw, I printed it--and kiss my ass."

Date: Tue, 14 Feb 1995 17:23:23 -0600 (CST)
Sender:Joseph.a.Cassidy.2@nd.edu
To: GIPPER.1@nd.edu
Subject: Singing Valentine's

Hey Gipper:

Words cannot express the feelings and enjoyment I received from your thoughtful gift of a "singing valentine" and a red rose delivered by a Glee Club quintet. I only wish that I knew who you were so that I could thank you personally.

Happy Valentine's Day!

...This is our second and final request. If we do not hear from you by Tuesday, February 21, 1995, a letter will be sent to your home address indicating your inability to communicate with the doner/contact person of your scholarship.