Attitude, Innuendo and Rumors
by...
Kate Wiltrout
Mark Mitchell
Chris Blanford
Michelle Crouch
Theresa Hennessey
Bridget Bradburn
Ryan Kennedy
Jake Schaller
Miranda Sanford
Chris Myers
Kris Kazlauskas
Val Bauduin
Brent Tadsen
Stan Evans
Aaron Skalicky
Patrick Skidmore
Scott Kunkel
Mark Fitzgerald
Dana Anderson
Beth Hanlon
"Student Media should be free of censorship and advance approval of copy, and their editors
and managers should be free to develop their own editorial policies and new coverage"
--du Lac, General Policies and Standards, pages 66-67
"Mein Führer, it's the Gipper--he's back. But zis time he vill not be zo lucky."
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID
The other night, the Gipp was walking into North Dining Hall for his nightly helping of pig slop. Instead of the usual crippled old woman at the door, there was one of Notre Dame's finest with a gun and night stick on his belt. Now the Gipp knows that people take more than one piece of fruit sometimes, but the real reason the cop was there is even more amusing. It seems that there was a big burly loading dock worker who was not performing up to the extraordinarily high dining hall performance standards. So one of the ever-so-kind managers tore into this worker with some cutting dining hall wit. Mr. Burly Loading Dock Worker proceeded to deck the manager and stored out of the dining hall, promising to go home, get a gun, return and shoot the manager in the face. Let's all try to get along a little better, and while we're at it, let's switch to decaffeinated coffee.
CASSIDY RAMPAGE
The Gipper was not the only famous personage to feel the iron fist of Student Activities come crashing into his life. The day after Obersturmbanführer Cassidy tried to have the Gipp liquidated, he fired WVFI station manager Steve Sostak and he tried to eliminate the Gipper's favorite president Dave Hungeling. Does Cassidy not like the Dead? Actually, Steve and Dave were given their walking papers because neither of them was taking a class this semester (and in order to have a position in a student club, you have to be a student, etc., etc.). Well, Steve has since vanished, but Dave is taking a one-hour painting class now so that he can enjoy these last few weeks of being a lame duck.
HIS DAY JOB
As the Gipp frostbit his ears walking from O'Shaughnessey to DeBartolo the other day, he ruminated on the beauty of the Indiana tundra and how happy he was that he hadn't gone somewhere warm and sunny... and then he regained consciousness in the snowdrift he had fallen into. The Gipper has always been proud that his university has never, NEVER closed because of the cold (like every other college does when the mercury drops below -20). So what does a powerful and well-known administrator do when she has to get from her office to her car in the middle of a snow storm? Well, a faithful campus watcher noticed that Patty O'Hara sends her beautiful and talented lackey Bill Kirk out to brush the snow off her car. Is she giving you minimum wage for that, Bill?
GIPPLETTES
The Gipp was taking a look at some financial facts and figures on university spreadsheets when he noticed this week's tidbits:
- Monk makes $192,400 and Beauchamp makes $177,200. But don't worry, both of them have vows of poverty which means they have to turn all that cash back in to the Corby Hall booze fund.
- Beauchamp says: "The university got into liscensing and marketing primarily to preserve copyrights and trademarks. However the program has proven to be surprisingly lucrative." Careful, Father Pinocchio, your nose is growing.
- The President's office ran $343,500 over budget last year. That's a lot of Papa John's and 1-900 numbers, Monk.
EENIE, MEENIE, MEINI MAYES
The Gipper has heard from his sources on the football team that Coach Holtz has had another epiphany. Apparently Lou slipped in the shower and hit his head real bad because he has come up with one zinger of a strange idea for next season: rotating captains. Yes, every week the world can hold its breath waiting to hear who will be Captain of the Week. How will Lou pick his weekly captain? The same way he calls plays: with a Ouija Board.
That's it, that's all for this week. So for now the Gipp will go back to meet with his new roommate Salman Rushdie.
This man is locking the front doors of the Main Building because:
- There is a violent band of homosexuals trying to get in.
- He doesn't want anyone to be able to escape when he opens fire.
- If any more oversized egos enter, the rickety old building will collapse under the strain.
Gipper.1@nd.edu