Your tuition dollar at work & administration profiles
"Fire sale at the Venture deli! You know what that means: new Huddle furniture!"--a university administrator makes another key decision.
WHAT WOULD J.P.II SAY
The Gipper has heard from some of his higher placed sources that Campus Ministry has requested permission from the Board of Trustees to form a support group for the homosexual students of campus. Supposedly this group will be created within the guidelines set out by the Church (like playing lots of Village People music). No word on whether the trustees have approved the measure yet or exactly how Campus Ministry will support homosexuality without setting themselves on the fast-track to hell. The punchline of this whole report, the Gipper is told, is that Campus Ministry's original choice to head this homosexual support group was a young Holy Cross priest. However, in the planning process, it was wisely recommended that he be replaced by an older and less attractive C.S.C.
A SIDE-ORDER OF RICE
Surprise, surprise! The administration is selecting the next provost without any meaningful input from anyone (as if you thought that something like that would be handled out in the open). Well, the Gipp hears the next beauty queen for the dome's adoration is 38 year-old Condoleeza Rice who currently occupies her time as Stanford provost. Good thinking: you wouldn't want anyone in the Provost office who knows something about this university.
WOULD YOU LIKE A RECEIPT
Recently the Rolfs family (as in Rolfs aquatic center) offered the school $3 million to build an athletic center for non-varsity sports. Well, administrators took the money, drew up lavish plans, and went back to the Rolfs and asked for $2 million more. An offended Mr. Rolfs took his $3 million back, but someone laid a serious guilt trip on him and he gave back $5 million. Sucker!
WEEKEND RATES
The Gipper bets the majority of the campus fails to realize how many people accompany the football team to its away games and exactly how much money is spent for their fun. Well, at the Fiesta Bowl there were two players per room and nine rooms for each Malloy and Beauchamp. Now, either they were having an whole bunch of guests, or they like playing hide and seek.
CURTAIN FALL
The Gipper hears that the only thing Student Affairs hates more than his column is the infamous Keenan Review. But the Gipp's favorite stage production looks to be in danger of cancellation after this year. The only thing that has saved the Review for this long has been Keenan rector Brother Bonaventure. In fact, fearing that the Review might find another religious friend, Patty O'Hara has barred any priests from moving into Keenan for two years. The present danger to the Review is this: the indomitable Brother Bonaventure is retiring this year. If you hear water flowing, it's Patty O'Hara drooling at the thought of killing the Review as her last act.
The following is the Gipper's public service project for the semester: Know Your Corrupt Administrators Pocket Pal. The Gipper has accumulated all the rumors he has heard from his highest and most paranoid insiders. Clip and save!
- Fr. Monk Malloy President--Sources cannot agree on who is really president, Warner or Beauchamp--but they all agree it's not Malloy. Spends more time doing crossword puzzles than actually running the school.
- Fr. Bill Beauchamp Executive Vice President--Probably the most powerful man on the campus because he controls both sports and the money. Always drives new Hondas because he provides the Bazney family with plenty of complimentary football tickets.
- Fr. Richard Warner Counselor to the President--Power behind the throne. Made Malloy president and then crated his own office in order to control Malloy. Sources say he is looking for a new wardrobe--something in Bishop's purple--and is willing to pay off the right people to get it.
- Patty O'Hara Vice-President for Student Affairs--She's tired of being the bad guy and will step down at the end of the year. Want to go back to law--either University Counsel or Dean of the Law School. Probable replacements as V.P. for Student Affairs Fr. Mark Poorman or Fr. Bill Seetch.
- Bill Kirk Assistant Vice-President for Residence Life--A very good F.O.B. (Friend of Beauchamp), Kirk will probably beat out his boss O'Hara for the University Counsel position (because Beauchamp controls that office too). Kirk and Beauchamp spend long hours together over the summer gardening.
- Tim O'Meara Provost--No one on the faculty is sorry to see him retire. As mentioned above, sources agree he will be replaced by Condoleeza Rice for two reasons: 1st, with O'Hara gone, there need to be a token female in the administration; 2nd, Warner picked up Rice because he can control her too.
- Andrew McKenna Chairman of the Board of Trustees--Chicago business giant got the job because Beauchamp and Warner agreed that he would be easy to control. Didn't oppose Beauchamp's stadium expansion and will not oppose Warner's new provost. Spends long hours on campus examining traffic patterns.
Gipper.1@nd.edu