Cynicism, sarcasm and nastiness (as usual)

I don't care what you think of Reagan, and I certainly don't care whether you make jokes about his view, personal traits or those of any such other public figure. However, making light of a debilitating disease such as Alzheimer's suggests a total lack of class and intelligence."--Bitter law student (redundant redundant) in a letter to the Gipp.

Don't worry, even if Reagan read last week's campus watch, he won't remember."--The Gipper

BETTER THAN NO-DOZ

The Gipp has had two friends approach him lately, offering him a wonder pill that gives you incredible alertness power and total retention during long study hours. The Gipp, always looking for that safe, over-the-counter amphetamine substitute, picked up a bottle of these pills. Suddenly a totally foreign wave of sensibility came over the Gipper and he read the label on the back of the bottle: Do not take if these is a history of heart disease; do not take if there is a history of leukemia; may cause enlarged prostate; may cause hallucinations if combined with other medication. Shocked and horrified by the warning label, the Gipp began taking the pills by the handful.

GIPPER, P.I.

As the fountain of all knowledge and truth on campus, the Gipp has been asked by Campus Watchers with a burning desire to know exactly what those structures are between Galvin and the CCMB. The Gipper investigated: they are entirely free-standing things with no doors and windows, and they are shaped like big coffins. The Gipp went inside Galvin and looked for access to them from the basement--there was none. A little man in a white coat approached and asked, "Vat are you doing?" Before the Gipp could run, a burly German man named Jürgen held him bound and... enough with the Nancy Drew mystery. The Gipper's best bets as to what the Galvin pods are: intercontinental ballistic missile silos; elevator shafts to Monk Malloy's after-hours club "Palace O'Pleasure;" landing pads for the aliens that built Stepan Center.

MACHO MAN, PLEASE

The Gipp hears from his mole inside the band of the Fighting Irish that the half-time show at Air Force will drag out a very tired YMCA again. Look, it was cute the first time, but twice and the Gipper is wondering if the band director isn't expressing some latent desires to be the Indian from the Village People. What is worse is that, just like we had to endure Zorba at every basketball game because that was on of the band's half time shows last year, look for YMCA to fill the JACC with brotherly love (if you know what the Gipp means).

TRAPPED IN O'SHAG

Ever since they dropped the ceiling in O'Shaughnessey, the Gipp feels like he should be running for a big piece of cheese at the end of the hall. Those summer renovations took an unattractive hall and made it downright ugly. But that's not the point of this discussion. The point is that the Gipper hears that O'Shaughnessey is the next hall which has been slated to be absorbed by the "Bureaucracy That Ate The Campus." You see, when they close the Main Building so they can dump about $50 million into adding an upper deck to it (or something like that), all of the administrators will move to Grace--and Hurley-Hayes-Healy--and now O'Shaughnessey. The Main Building must go down about eight stories into the ground if there are that many people in there. And if they have to take another building, take DeBartolo Hospital, please.

That's it, that's all for this week. The Gipp has one final warning to impart his friends in the College of Engineering: in the upcoming Star Trek movie, Captain Kirk dies. Prepare yourselves properly, engineers; the Gipper knows it will be traumatic for you when your hero passes into the next hyperspace--wear black bands on you pocket protectors to show your mourning. The Gipp's only questions: will Kirk's toupée die with him?

The Gipper's "Rough Guy, Tough Guy Award" goes to this campus cop for making sure that rowdy little kids don't disrupt the hockey games and kill people like they have done in the past.

Top Ten Slogans for the 1994-1995 Fighting Irish Basketball Season

Gipper.1@nd.edu