Gossip, Allegations and Innuendo

"I gotta go now, Rock. But when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, you tell them to go in there and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, in fact I don't know where I am now." -- Ronald Reagan recreates his famous role.

THE FOG IS GETTING THICKER

Once again, as taken word for word from Coach Holtz's press conference:

"I don't care if I have to take a sleeping pill. I am going to get some rest. I am going to insist the coaches do and this is something that I have not done. Maybe you don't think as well in your decision making process during the week, etc." Come on now coach, there are a lot of solutions to the problems of this season, but are sleeping pills really the answer? What if we lose to Florida State, do we upgrade to Prozac?

CRUEL PARENTS

Have you ever had a friend who goes by his middle name because he is embarrassed by his real first name? The Gipper has a friend like that. Yes, the Provost is hiding something, and it's his real first name: Onorato. Dr. Timothy O'Meara is really Onorato Timothy O'Meara. Imagine the grade school nicknames he had to deal with -- Mr. Roboto, Ohmygod-o, weird-first-name-o.

CUT THE YO-CREAM BUDGET

The Gipper hears from a high-placed source within the hierarchy of the Dining Hall administration that the Dining Halls have already run over budget by a lot. The alleged amount currently in the red is allegedly somewhere in the hundreds of thousands (enough to buy the BMWs and private plane which the Gipper knows some Dining Hall administrators own). Sounds like there's going to be some drastic cut backs in theme dinners.

SHOOT ME FIRST

The Gipper's friendly neighborhood mole in the Athletic Department recently moled the Gipp that the brain-trust in sports marketing has recommended that several teal stripes be added to the football jerseys "to update the uniforms and increase sales." TEAL? Who is designing these changes, a transvestite? Didn't Digger Phelps get fired for those atrocious neon green basketball uniforms?

AMAZING GRACE

Very mean people live in Grace Hall. This last weekend some poor freshman drank a little too much fire-water and became very sleepy. In fact, he was so sleepy that he didn't wake up when the Gracies covered his face with black shoe polish (highlighted by liquid paper). The obligatory coloring contest not being sufficient, the Gracies then took the unconscious one over to Flanner and dropped him on the corresponding floor. Being much nicer people, the Flannerites discovered this frosh and cleaned him up with lots and lots of shampoo, toothpaste shaving cream (and anything else they could get their hands on). The Flannerites also "borrowed" his watch, keys and polo shirt. The Gipper thinks it's a good thing that Keough and O'Neill will be twin dorms or this kind of intra-dorm cooperation might die with the closing of Grace. (P.S. The combination of chemicals and cleaning agents ended up burning the poor frosh's skin; the Gipp extends his best get-well wishes.)

30 YEARS AND RUNNING

During that edge-of-your-seat, bite-your-nails-to-the-bone victory over Navy, after the Gipper got tired of playing with the two beach balls going around the student section, after he lost interest in the "2-way" wave, after he ran out of cups to throw at the Leprechaun, and after he had taken a brief nap for the entire third quarter, the Gipp noticed:

  1. NBC takes 51 minutes and 36 seconds worth of TV time-outs -- the Gipp timed it. When they start taking a full hour, the Gipp is going to take a high-powered rifle and shoot the little man with the orange mitts.
  2. When the football team chaplain (Bill Walsh in a collar) walks back to the locker room while the plays are in progress, he usually steps onto the field at about the 20- yard line and cuts clear across the end-zone to the goal post.

That's it that's all for this week. So for now the Gipp will go back to staring at the holy graffiti on the library -- trying desperately to get The Rod of Jesse and The Burning Bush in the same picture.

Top Ten ABC Sports Titles for Notre Dame vs. Florida State

(to be read "ABC Sports proudly presents: The Game of the Century Part II -- [fill in this blank with title]")

  1. Bowden's Revenge
  2. Blow-Out City
  3. Rockne Never Meant for This to Happen
  4. Holtz Will Weep
  5. Keith Jackson's Fantasy Land
  6. The Leprechaun Eats Chief Osceola's Spear
  7. Number 10 Versus a Bunch of Rank Amateurs
  8. The Spanking
  9. Orlando Never Laughed So Hard
  10. Apocalypse Now
THERE WILL BE A PHOTO HERE -- L.o.t.G.

This is a skunk. This is the stadium. This skunk lives in the stadium. Any questions?

Gipper.1@nd.edu