Gossip, Allegations & Innuendo
"OK, guys, start with the Notre Dame flag here and finish with the Pitt flag across from the press box. We play Pitt this year, don't we? Oh, hell, fly the Pitt flag anyway."
-- Last words of Hubey, the stadium maintainence guy who decided to run the wrong flag up the pole before the last home game. Hubey is an oragami instructor in an old people's home now.
IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF A CLUE...
The Gipp was board the other day so he took to running up his office phone bill. Since university phones do not dial 1-900 numbers, the Gipp started to call all of our favorite football opponents and make obscene noises over the phone. This was really uneventful until the Gipp got to Florida State. Since he was calling after 5:00 eastern time, the Gipp got the FSU recorded message which goes like this (in a lovely white-trash drawl): "Thank you for calling the Florida State University. If you are on campus and you are having an emergency, hang up and call 911. If you are off campus and you are having an emergency, hang up and call 911. All the university offices are closed at this time and will re-open at..." Now the Gipper (and the rest of civilization) knows that Florida State is not an academic institution, but are Seminoles so stupid that they A) call the switchboard when their dorm rooms are on fire and B) have to be told to hang up and call 911 and C) do this even when they live off campus?
IF ENGINEERS RULED THE WORLD
Listen up, Arts and Letters majors. Ever wonder where all those nice computers from the basement of Lafortune disappeared to? The Gipper knows. Because (in their minds) engineers are the smartest people in the world and need the finest computers to carry out their life-saving work, the engineers (well let's just say it) stole the LaFortune Macs and hid them where only engineers can use them. While such a concept congers thoughts of an all-engineer, all-night, all-nude computer lab where cyber-space is as intimate as sitting on your neighbor's lap and imitation velvet covers the walls and seats, such an engineer fantasy has not been created (yet). However, in reality, all the LaFortune Macs have been placed in a secret computer lab on the second floor of Nieuwland Hall of Science. The beauty of this lab is that it is unmonitored. That's right, none of those rude cyber-geeks demanding IDs and treating the average word processor user like something scraped off a shoe. The only catch is that there is a door lock like a number pad with a secret combination known only to engineers -- and the Gipper. So, Arts and Leisure majors, when it's time to do your e-mail extra fast, feel free to reclaim the Macs that are rightfully yours: second floor, Nieuwland, door code *** CENSORED *** together. Then turn the knob.
IS THAT A BUD LIGHT IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD...
The Gipp knows this is a difficult concept to grasp, but he actually heard that the Michigan State ushers in Spartan Stadium rival our own in raw cruelty. A certain Notre Dame female student was entering Spartan Stadium (to watch the one point Irish rout of Michigan State), and as is the custom at many such sporting events, this famale student had a beer in her pants pocket. A Spartan usher quickly grabbed beer-wielding student, confiscated her beer, fined her $150 and kicked her out of the stadium. Now that's mean. Everyone knows this can't happen in Notre Dame Stadium where even a one-legged man can out-run our ushers who double as emphysema poster boys. But how dumb is Michigan State for thinking that the beer-wielding female is going to pay up?
STONEHENGE, JR.
In an effort to help keep Notre Dame, Indiana, looking like the Busch Gardens of the Midwest, the people in grounds and maintenance have installed a very extensive sprinkler system. As far as the Gipper can tell, this system has about 4,000 miles of interconnecting pipes which pump over 900 gallons of water a minute onto the quads of the campus. Anyone who has taken a walk after midnight knows that there is not one square inch of concrete on this campus which is safe from the range of one or several of these sprinklers. But through careful investigation, the Gipp has found The Mother of all Sprinklers. Pictured here in an absolutely unaltered photo, is a sprinkler that rivals Old Faithful. The Gipper began his search for this sprinkler-from-hell when one night he was showering and, for no apparent reason, the water pressure in his dorm dropped off to a trickle. It took weeks of searching before he traced the drain on the water system to this, this thing in front of Farley. If you are ever walking by Saint Joseph's lake late at night, the loud sucking sound you hear is not a beastly snoring from Lewis; it is the result of the immense suction power this sprinkler has. Hats off to the grounds and maintainence people for really helping that drainage problem on North Quad.
That's it, that's all for this week. The Gipp was recently put in his place by a friend who attends Boston College and noted that her "classes are informative and entertaining." Not unlike Hollywood Squares, the Gipp thinks.
TIP THE GIPP!
e-mail: gipper.1@nd.edu
mail: 303 LaFortune
phone: 219/631-7569
fax: 219/631-9648