Gossip, Allegations & Innuendo
"Curse you, little man! May I live to see you tortured! Some day that final kick will be good!"
-- Bo Schembechler, 10:36pm, Sept. 10, 1988.
DR. FUNSTEIN, PH.D.
Put down your coloring books, business majors, the Gipp has a tip for you. Get into any class taught by Dr. Robert Drevs. The Gipper hears from several of the nutty professor's students that every sunny and warm day of the school year, Drevs lets two of his students take out his silver Mazda Miata and cruise around South Bend. Sounds like business students are already learning those important businessman skills: milking the clock doing nothing, three-hour lunches, and driving around in a slick sports car so women think you're really cool even though you live as an accountant, locked in a room full of file cabinets, squeezing zits.
DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO
O.K., the Gipp doesn't appreciate little townie kids riding on the grass that he pays $20,650 a year to keep lush and verdant, but there's a little problem with the way the cops are handling this crime spree. One sunny day last week, as the Gipp was walking across the lovely rolling lawn of South Quad, he noticed some of the little monsters tearing through the turf on their Treks. Then, just in time to save the grass, here comes one of the shiny new police cars hauling up the sidewalk between Cushing and O'Shaughnessy, picking up speed as he sees the little terrorists, putting four wheels on the grass and chasing the kids across at least 300 yards of South Quad before he caught up to tell them that their irresponsible grass-biking was ruining the lawn.
THE EYES HAVE IT
Thousands of sweaty young bodies pressed together, heaving with screams of joy, cavorting in the hot sun -- and Bill Kirk is video taping them.
If you have ever wondered what your favorite university administrators do during the football games, the Gipper knows. While Fathers Malloy and Beauchamp have 50-yard-line seats, and Fathers Hesburgh and Joyce have a skybox above the press box, Assistant Vice-President for Residence Life Bill Kirk stands on top of the press box watching the student section. No, the game doesn't interest Captain Kirk. He's too busy staring at the students and making sure that they're not misbehaving. In fact, his surveilance powers are enhanced by a video camera which he uses to scope out unruly students who need to be personally disciplined. The Gipp wonders if Kirk has night vision goggles for later in the season when darkness falls before NBC runs out of TV time-outs.
TACKY, VERY TACKY
Speaking of the Michigan game, which the Gipp really doesn't like to do, everyone knows that the Irish-Wolverine match up has been a colorful rivalry which has annually produced some colorful T-shirts. The Gipp's own personal favorite: Muck Fichigan. Of course the sale and purchase of these "private enterprise" T-shirts is totally illegal if only because they compete with the cash-strapped bookstore. But the Gipp heard about one shirt vendor who definitely deserved to be arrested. On Thursday of last week, two days before the big game, campus police arrested a man selling a bag-full of T-shirts which said "Michigan Sucks." The only difference between these shirts and others bearing the same slogan, this shirt had a drawing of a wolverine performing oral sex upon a leprechaun. Not even the bookstore would sink that low. Well, maybe ...
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN
The Gipper extends his warmest congratulations to Ron Powlus, not for his spectacular performance against that other team with the transvestite-colored yellow spandex pants, but for his foot placement. The Gipp was advised by a campus watch alumnus (who had front row field seats directly behind the north goal post), that after a Michigan defender took Powlus down and then proceeded to pummel him with cheap fist shots in the pile up, the funky Q.B. very carefully and inconspicuously placed his left foot directly upon the Wolverine's very private parts and put all his weight on the one foot while he stood up. The Michigan defender went to his sidelines rather hunched over, knowing what Irish Impact truly means. Is that your version of the Hike Step, Ron?
HEAVILY SEDATED
Here are some real, unaltered quotes taken from the official transcript of Coach Lou Holtz's Sunday morning press conference.
Coach Holtz: I did take a Valium beacuse I had back spasms, real bad, I assume it was back spasms. I called the doctor; he said take some Valium. I didn't have Valium. I took the closest thing I had which ws like a sleeping pill.
[Coach's heavily sedated condition could explain other quotes like this one.]
Coach Holtz: I thought Lee Becton has played well with the football and without the football. Lee Becton fumbles occurred, for the most part, because he tries to get that extra yard. By that moving the ball ahead. The ball can never come away from your rib cage. It cannot come away from your rib cage. I think that is because of the offensive line and etcetera. Lee Becton is as good a competitive as I have been ever been around; good as team man.
Top Ten Names for the Two New Dorms on the Golf Course (see page 5, bottom)
10. Patty O'Hall
9. Pasquerilla for Men
8. Beast and Beast Light
7. Grace Jr.
6. San Quentin and Alcatraz
5. Joe Ross and Jon Ross
4. Hockerhead Hall
3. We Hate Dillon II
2. NBC Sports Hall
1. Ted and Ned
That's it, that's all for this week. So for now the Gipper will go back to his favorite pastime of writing sentences which include every letter of the alphabet. Progress so far: Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz.
TIP THE GIPP!
e-mail: gipper.1@nd.edu
mail: 303 LaFortune
phone: 219/631-7569
fax: 219/631-9648