Gossip, Allegations & Innuendo

Umberto Eco once said, "There are secrets that kill." Well, the Gipp is back and the secrets haven't gotten to him yet (and he's up to two packs a day).

LIFE IN A FISHBOWL

If you thought your 9 foot by 12 foot, three-cornered Morrissey room was pushing the envelope of unlivable conditions, imagine the joy that came over the 80 freshmen who discovered that they are living in the study lounges of Flanner and Grace. It seems that the rocket scientists in Residence Life must not have had the chance to advance to Look, Mommy, I Can Count: Volume II since they didn't figure that closing an entire men's dorm would create (surprise!) fewer rooms for all the in-coming freshmen. It's a good thing there was enough space in the study lounges because those laundry rooms would make great six-man set-ups.

Of course, the residents of Grace really couldn't and shouldn't care about losing their study lounges since they're just counting the months until Monk Malloy and his merry band of traveling administrative Gypsies move in (the Gipper wonders if Monk will get one of those nice corner rooms, or if he'll have to settle for a big four-man). And the loss of study lounges only means that Flanner residents will have to hold their food fights elsewhere.

P.S. FLANNER

Don't laugh too hard at your soon-to-be-evicted buddies over in Grace. A high-placed source tells the Gipp that five years after Grace falls, Flanner will follow the same course. Why the need to make more office space? The ever-expanding library and dining hall bureaucracies need room to breed and spread. Maybe the administrators who move into Flanner and Grace can find the same pleasure as the residents in watching towel-clad Pasquerilla women walking from their rooms to the showers.

SUMMER DAZE

It came to the Gipper's attention through a loyal campus-watcher that over the summer, as a result of the oppressive South Bend heat, the university runs a daily shuttle bus from Stepan parking lot to the steps of the Main Building.

Now that's a fine use of resources! The Gipp wonders if a forklift is also provided for transportation of those who are too lazy to even board the bus.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING

Faced with a perennial bad PR problem, the Scammes Notre Dame Bookstore has printed and distributed a mission statement. No, the phrases "fleecing," "price-gouging," "needless mark-up" and "grand theft" do not appear in the statement, but the Gipp did like this passage from the pamphlet:

"The purpose of the Hammes Notre Dame Bookstore is to provide for the sale of book and supply requirements connected with the academic programs of the University and the sale of such other goods and services required to enhance the quality of life on campus."

Oh yeah, like the $550 crystal desk lamp is enhancing any body's quality of life.

$50 MILLION FOR THIS?

The Gipp got a sneak preview of what the fancy new stadium expansion project will look like when it's done. And it's real ugly. Imagine a large orange brick bowl (present stadium) with a big metal funnel stuck in the top (addition). If you hear a rumbling during construction, it's not heavy machinery, it's Knute Rockne rolling over in his grave like a spinning jenny. The Gipp was lucky enough to see an architect's rendering of the project, but everyone can have a glance at the picture on the inside cover of the football media guide/coloring book. Who designed the cover to this book, and did they use crayons or magic markers? The Gipp thinks Ryan Leahy is a handsome man (in truly the most objective and platonic sense of the word handsome), but the cover of the media guide makes him look like Howdy-Doody on steroids.

FOOD, FREAKS AND FUN

The Gipp really has to hand it to the dining hall staff for topping itself again. The North Dining Hall map/D-Day invasion plan wasn't enough -- they came up with Circus Dinner. The Gipp isn't sure which he liked better, the heavily sedated de-clawed lion sitting in his cage praying for his freak-show trainer to shoot him or to succumb to a sudden stroke, or the vats of mayonnaise with gnats stirred into them. Also in the running for the Gipper's favorite moments from Circus Dinner: the wingless bee which was slowly suffocating in the apple fritter stuff, or the bulk-rate twinkies which were about a millimeter of yellow cake surrounding four pounds of greasy filling. Tears of joy stained the Gipp's face as he walked away from Circus Dinner, knowing that there were plenty more theme meals coming throughout the year.

Top Ten Ways to Pronounce ORSAGH

(Student Body Vice-President's Last Name)

10. Orsaw (like see-saw)

9. Orsac (like Oh, Jack)

8. Orsage (like massage)

7. Orgasm

6. Peas

5. Hey, you

4. Horse Song

3. Monk

2. Don't call me Hungeling

1. Dead Head

That's it, that's all for this week. And as Gennifer Flowers once said to Bill Clinton, "The next one's on you."

DON'T ZIP YOUR LIP! TIP THE GIPP!