RUMOR, HEARSAY & ASBESTOS

April is always a fun month for the Gipper. The Gipp loves to wade to class and have the weather change from sun to rain to snow on the way. And he loves the bitter, spring-hating professors who assign an entire semester's work during AnTostal. But the campus tour groups, getting their first taste of lies at Notre Dame, make it all worthwhile. The Gipp recommends having a pseudo conversation with a friend as you walk by: "Who would of thought food poisoning was the culprit?" "Oh, it's just an old chem-lab injury." "My professor came in drunk again today." A single phrase ought to do the trick.

PARTY FOOD

Uncle Gipp brings you his first of many campus stories from last week's SYR at Pasquerilla East. The decorations in one section included a wading pool, suitable for children and dates, filled with 30 goldfish -- at the beginning of the evening. By the end of the soiree, ten of the fish HAD BEEN EATEN ALIVE (as if the Lenten theme meal wasn't bad enough). Even the guys running Mr. Stanford two years back had the decency to use their Bass-o-Matic to puree the ssuckers before dining on them.

NEW WAYS TO COUGH UP BLOOD

While she was meandering around the administration building, a Lewis hall sophomore walked into the second-floor women's bathroom. There she found a lounge area with a separate room with the words "Smoking Permitted" on the door, apparently to encourage one to smoke. She relaxed, greeted her fellow campus lepers and took a smoke break. The Gipp finds it odd that the only known smoking lounge on campus, aside from the one in the stadium, is located one floor below du Lac central, a.k.a. Student Affairs. The Gipp searched the admin building for a men's smoking lounge without luck. Also, the Gipp wonders why we even need single-sex smoking lounges.

On the subject of wheezing lungs, an engineer from Alumni asked the Gipp about the black, unlabeled bags being removed from Cushing Hall of Engineering and the mysterious additions to the architecture. On two sides of the building are huge blowers, each about as quiet as a jet engine and each covered in large, friendly letters spelling the words "CAUTION! KEEP OUT!" In the center of the building, half of the lobby has been sectioned off by a black wall, also covered with the same inviting message. The Gipper was forced to investigate.

Building services confirmed that workers are removing ASBESTOS to install water pipes less than 60 years old. Risk management assured the Gipp that they were being very careful with the material and taking every possible precaution until they dumped it into a landfill and that they certainly weren't planning on selling the asbestos to the dining hall as a cotton candy substitute. (The Gipp is kidding. Ha ha! No lawsuits here!) So why are workers stripping pipes behind makeshift walls, cloaked by the night and with bad music blaring? So as not to disturb the students. Just like dorm sex-changes don't disturb students.

1-900-4-GIPPER

One of the guys in Grace recently found a new reason to keep his door locked. On a recent phone bill, he found charges for directory assistance in the Bahamas that were, in fact, disguised calls to an "adult phone entertainment" service. He learned that there have been over $1800 of these calls made from campus.

When the Gipper talked to the folks at CBLD, they told him that under the old telephone system these numbers were blocked, but the blocks did not carry over when the phone systems changed last year. They were now blocking these calls number by number. They also told the Gipp that in some rooms the same number was dialed many times and the calls lasted for longer than a few minutes. The Gipp suspects some people on campus are calling for of these post-parietals rendez-vous.

HAVE FUN 'TIL YOUR DEAD

Dave, Matt and Tyler, the student government boys, have made the Gipp proud again, this time for their interior decorating skills and colorful oratory.

The Gipp ventured into their office this week to take a peek around. Across from the desk of the Gipp's favorite secretary is a sign labeled "Chair race standings," showing the number of wins and losses for each of them, and giving an up-to-date "injury report" for the chairs. Around the room he saw tie-dyed flags, a "Rock On" sign and a poster left from the failed "Dazed and Confused Manor" SYR. Color the Gipp pleased. At Monday's student senate meeting, V.P. Matt Orsagh kept the "fun at all costs" theme alive and in his prayers.

"In our prayers let us remember Kurt Cobain," he said. "He killed himself because he stopped having fun. Let this be a lesson to us all. As soon as we stop having fun, its time for all of us to look down the barrel of a 12-gauge shotgun."

Sad but true, Gipper fans: the reign of another Chief Campus Watcher has ended. But who is this mysterious fellow spreading rumor, hearsay, bad rhymes and the occasional nugget of truth from the Scholastic office? Let only the observant know, for hidden somewhere in the issue is the Gipp's true identity. Until next year, get up off your bones, buy five-flavor cones, listen to moans about loans on touch-tone phones, and beware Gipper clones.

Even when the mag is done, the Gipp still answers everyone. Keep sending your campus concerns and gossip.