Then last Friday, professor Paul McGinn, Domer for life, received the official charter to the first Notre Dame Club in Ireland.
To top it off, Lou Holtz received a 50-pound chunk of the Blarney stone. This saved Lou the trouble of lowering himself down the side of a cliff, turning upside down and kissing the rock like everyone else. The football field ought to grow like a rain forest. Maybe they will rehire Rudy as an extra groundskeeper.
Now Scholastic is receiving letters from a cheeseball from the class of 1958 advertising Nash's Irish Spring "bottled water with fruit juices" (an unheard-of idea). "Perhaps some Irish Spring will be on hand during the Irish Prime Minister's visit to ND on May 15," he wrote. That's Taoiseach to you, buddy.
The Gipp's prophesy: On commencement Sunday, a group of eight students and faculty, fleeing from the oppressive du Lac regime, will take over the post office and declare Notre Dame an independent state.
Never mind that this "paper clip holder" is made of glass, has the same round dimensions as a shot glass and even has your flushed leprechaun decal on it. And try to look past the fact that workers could pick these up right before Saint Patrick's Day. Calling a shot glass a "paper clip holder" goes in the Gipp's "Euphemism" folder, right next to calling a neurotic, du Lac-wielding tyrant "Patty."
The next night, a Morrissey Hall resident (also blitzed) felt compelled to urinate all over his roommate's Sega Genesis (TM). He sort of added a water hazard to John Madden Football.
The Domer candies are leaving now and so is the Gipp. Stay on your toes for the April Fool's issue (on a very special Wednesday). Until then, buy some Joop!, avoid the croup, put goop in the soup, then when you regroup, give Gipp the scoop.
The Gipper did a quick mental calculation: 23 cents to mail the bill, around 25 cents for the check for one cent, the 29-cent stamp to return it to the university, plus the forms and labor bring the total to around a dollar. The Gipper hopes our fellow student paid her one cent on time, before Moose and Rocco are sent out to collect. God only knows how much the compounded interest adds up to.
IF IT QUACKS LIKE A DUCK
The students at the Development Phone Center (where students are paid to bleed alums dry) worked really hard this year. Because they reached their development goal, those telemarketers were rewarded with a "Notre Dame" paper clip holder.MUTANT AGENDA II: TAOISEACH
The mystery behind the RADIATION building continues to grow. A graduate Campus Watcher spied an ambulance hauling someone away from the Radiation Building. The Gipp called the building three times to fill in the details, but no one answered. No receptionist, no voice mail. The Gipp thinks his friend caught a glimpse of the last of many loads of bizarre mutants (including a horribly deformed receptionist). Of course, the government will disavow any knowledge of this "accident."PAOISEACH (THAT'S "PEE SHOCK")
Depends (TM) really work! Or at least they should have over this past weekend. In two incidents in two separate male dorms, there were some accidents involving -- well, let's just say it -- wee-wee. In the first case, a Flanner Hall resident who had taken to the bottle wandered into the hall for a drink of water. Not to be outdone by the flowing water of the fountain, the boy dropped his pants and, in front of several gland-witnesses, made magic water upon the fountain. The Gipp won't reveal the floor on which this took place, but if you're below five in Flanner, take the elevator to find a clean fountain.
Gipper extra
Never let it be said that the Ebeneezer Scrooge Memorial Office of Student Accounts won't wring every last red cent out of us Notre Dame kids. Maybe the rocket scientists over at the accounts office forgot to change the batteries in the abacus before they tabulated this student's bill. Whatever the case, the Office of Financial Mistakes sent the above invoice to a Farley Hall resident.
DON'T ZIP YOUR LIP!
TIP THE GIPP!