The Gipp was wandering around LaFortune Student Center trying to decide what he would buy his pseudo-girlfriend for Valentine's Day. The Gipp looked up and saw the perfect gift: tasty Notre Dame candies, available at the LaFortune Info Desk. Mmm! They even had clever names like Domers ("Hey! They look just like the Dome!"), Rocknes ("Well, they're kind of rocky, but they don't really remind me of a bald Norwegian or anything.") and LaSalles ("Huh?"). The Gipp rushed over to buy all three -- until he found out the price. At $4.95 for four pieces and $9.95 for an eight-piece box, the Gipp would sooner take up smoking if he wanted to waste money this quickly.
BETTER THAN CANDY
In honor of Valentine's Day, the Gipp ventures to the library's rare book room to find some works by his favorite author, Edward Gorey, whose main themes involve happy people suffering and mangled children. This always puts a smile on the Gipp's face on Feb. 14.
If the Gipp is still feeling mean-spirited, he pulls out all the popular books and conveniently reshelves them next to books discovered in some dead French priest's steamer trunk.
If the Gipp still has that urge for destruction, he ventures over to the South Dining Hall, avoiding the queue for Philly steak and gets about a dozen pudding and fruit cups. Dumping the contents on his tray, the Gipp proceeds to hold each upside down, then with the quick tap of a knife on the base of each one, splits it in two.
Of course, the Gipp has his handy tube of Krazy Glue to form all the halves into a single tower on the tray so it is impossible to fit through the door at the end of the conveyor.
At first the Gipp was nervous about sharing this tip, but he figures as soon as those yucky glass bowls are used up, some indestructible and certainly leak-proof plastic pudding bowls will be on the way.
For you folks at NDH, leave your trays halfway out when you place them on that rotating rack. When cursing dining hall workers come out to clear the jam, you'll know in your heart that you've protested Valentine's Day.
(Friday afternoon, Scholastic office:)
"Hello, Scholastic Magazine."
"My name is Yarbrough. I will speak to the Gipper NOW."
"This is the Gipp [not his real name]."
"Look, Mr. Funny Jokes Man, I'm sitting here with 400 halves of pudding cups, and I will make you bleed!
SIGNS YOUR LOVE HAS SOURED
10. She asks your roommate to her SYR.
9. He buys you Rocknes for Valentine's Day.
8. She calls DART more often than she calls you.
7. He starts hanging around St. Joseph's High School dances.
6. She begins to make frequent trips to the bathroom in the Nieuwland annex (the one that locks from the inside).
5. He doesn't hold hands like he used to.
4. She stops answering your e-mail.
3. He starts classes at Moreau.
2. She shuts down intimate moments with phrases like "Does this look infected?"
1. He turns up the volume on the NBA Jam game when you are together.
