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The Ten Reality TV Shows You'll Never See(Indianapolis
Star 1/31/04)
How long can it last, this endless winter of reality TV programming? Each
sweeps period new shows emerge from the subterraneous minds of network
producers, lowering the standards of mindless entertainment to unseen
depths.
Do a search on the internet and you'll find 176 reality shows with their
own websites. The airwaves are packed. The bandwith is maxed out. The
sea of reality scenarios has been drained. Indeed, it's come down to this.
Only ten reality shows remain to be made.
These are the last dinosaurs of a dying species. Once all ten make it
to primetime, reality television shall be extinct. Until then, get ready
for "Survivor 18: The Suburbs", and "Junior Native American
Idol All-Stars".
Know the end is near when you see the following:
LITTLE LEAGUE MOLE
The Promo: Billy's throwing the game!
The Premise: The Grand Valley Insurance team keeps losing and every parent
in the stands knows who to blame…or do they? Is it Jerry, the local
insurance agent and team manager? Is it Justin the pitcher who walked
in 12 runs Saturday? How 'bout Bobby the second baseman who's struck out
23 consecutive times? Is he just bad, or is he The Mole?
The Prize: Ice cream cones for the whole team.
THE EXTERMINATOR
The Promo: What do you get when you cross The Bachelor with Fear Factor?
The Premise: 25 scorching single women in Miami each have a cockroach
infestation problem. Enter The Exterminator. Armed with bronze biceps
and a tank of insecticide, the buff twenty-something makes his way through
the women's personal spaces in search of the evasive arthropods…and,
of course, a wife.
The Prize: A pest-free Disney Cruise for two.
WHO WANTS TO MARRY THE CASHIER?
The Promo: Getting hitched with 12 items or less
The Premise: Average Romeos are given a free shopping spree through Wal-Mart
where they pick up twelve items they'll need for an unforgettable honeymoon.
Once their cart is full, they must make the decision of their lives. Blindly
choose a checkout lane where their bride-to-be is ready to scan their
goods.
The Prize A lifetime of "rollin' back the prices".
BUTCH EYE FOR THE BARFLY
The Promo: Flipside of the Fab Five.
The Premise: Four lovable lesbians barhop across the country, from TGI
Friday's-to- Applebee's-to-Bennigan's, overhauling the pathetic pick-up
lines of middle aged salesmen.
The Prize: A real conversation with a female friend.
NEWLYWED DAY CARE
The Promo: You want to have kids? You got 'em.
The Premise: Four freshly knotted couples experience honeymoon hell when
their trip to Sandals Jamaica turns into a week long apprenticeship at
Sandy Beach Day Care. Who gets the annulment first?
The Prize: Birth control for life.
THE RESTROOM
The Promo: Smeller's the fella.
The Premise: Shared among the ladies and men on the 18th floor, the office
bathroom is a place for peace and privacy, that is, until our cameras
catch the not-so-sanitary habits of corporate comrades. After viewing
the shocking potty visits of the previous week , the accountants toss
someone's tush out of the john.
The Prize:Your own personal stall.
DOPPLER SWAP
The Promo: Fix your competitor's Future Trak.
The Premise: Unable to decipher snow from sun, struggling TV meteorologists
try to help each other out with a weekend weather station makeover.
The Prize: An accurate forecast.
CELEBRITY CUP
The Promo: Who's Hot and Who's High?
The Premise: California State Trooper Chuck travels incognito throughout
Los Angeles searching for our favorite Hollywood celebrities. Posing as
a waiter, chauffeur, personal trainer and yoga instructor, Chuck gains
the trust of the stars then turns on them with a random drug test. Follow
the specimen cup to the lab where we find out who's straight and who's
headed straight to re-hab.
The Prize: No jail time.
THE HARD CELL
The Promo: Making grandma mobile
The Premise: Eight competing cell phone reps must convince a nursing home
full of elderly tech-nots to purchase their convoluted mobile phone plans…and
teach them how to use the handsfree function.
The Prize: 1000 extra anytime minutes and a free phone (after rebate).
I'M A PRIEST, GET ME OUT OF HERE
The Promo: Celibacy meets Survivor
The Premise: Duped into believing they're going on a prayerful retreat
before taking final vows, 16 young clerics-to-be are dumped off on the
Las Vegas Strip with nothing but their faith. Each week, after losing
a casino challenge, one brother is booted at parish council. Outwit, Outlast,
Outpray.
The Prize: Eternal life…and an end to reality television.
Ted Mandell teaches in the Department of Film, Television, and Theatre
at the University of Notre Dame.
Copyright 2004 Ted Mandell.