The satirical online
magazine the Onion reported this past fall on Notre Dame's
plans to improve its storied football program -- retroactively.
(Note: this is all a joke.)
"Although we have
great hopes for the future of our football program," genuine Athletic
Director Kevin White was fictitiously quoted as saying, "Notre
Dame has great hopes for a facet of that program that is far more
important to our university: our past."
Among tongue-in-cheek
revisions to Irish football history reported by the Onion:
-- The addition of
impressive new alumni such as Bo Jackson, Archie Griffin, Jim
Brown and Red Grange.
-- 10 more national
championships in unspecified years. (Said Coach Charlie Weis:
"I inherited a program that had only won 11 national championships
between 1924 and 2005. I promise you that, by this time next year,
the Fighting Irish will have won at least 10 more in that same
time period.")
-- In 1936, the Fighting
Irish made a previously unknown visit to Nazi Germany to represent
America at the Berlin Olympics. "ND split end Jesse Owens gains
187 and scores three touchdowns in a 42-17 gold-medal winning
rout of the heavily favored Rommel-coached SS squad."
-- In 1961, Notre Dame came back from a 31-point fourth-quarter
deficit to defeat highly ranked Ohio State. At quarterback for
the Irish that day? Joe Theismann, age 12.
(January 2006)
