What am I doing here? Why am I here? That is a question. But why anything? Why me? Why
am I, when only God is "I am who I am." And why here, and where is here? Indiana, United
States, North America, planet Earth, solar system, Milky Way galaxy, one among billions, here I
am lost in space in a world that is nonetheless in God's hands from "in the beginning" to "in the
ending." In the meantime, why am I here? Short answer: I am here to learn to be human. I am
here to learn to be human fully, not like an Apollo but like Jesus who laid down his life for us
all. And that is more than enough.
Long answer to why I am here: In the Garden of Eden story Satan's pitch went like this:
"Adam and Eve, listen up. You do not want to be human. Being human is a burden. You have to
learn everything bit by bit; you have to tend the garden in the heat of the summer; you get bored,
and you get sick; you will get nothing but troubles from others; and then you die. You do not
want to be human. You want to be like gods, knowing good and evil, never dying and drinking
ambrosia from gold cups on white clouds. Trust me. You do not want to be human." Our
ancestors should have said: "Get lost. We are here to learn how to be human."
I need to learn how to be my brother's keeper and my sister's too. I do not want to be
Cain; I want to be Abel. I need to learn how to cultivate the garden, how to protect Mother
Nature and build Mother Church. I need to learn how rare is planet Earth and how amazing the
minuscule genes of my body and the immense stars in the trillions expanding at the speed of
light, the fastest speed there is. I want to learn to be human. I am here to learn to walk, to talk, to
think, to care about a rock, a plant, a dog or cat, and each unique human being, each a precious
child of God. I am here to learn to care. I am here to be detached from this world, but only after I
have learned well how to be attached.
I am here to learn to care and not to care. I am here to be human. I am here to learn that I
must do everything I can and leave everything to God's care. I am here to learn how to spend my
life in the discovery that I want nothing so much as to give of myself for the benefit of others. I
am here to learn how to be a displaced person, a nomad who has here no abiding city, a pilgrim
who knows "this our exile" is a vale of tears. I am here to learn how to await what I know is
coming. Come, Lord Jesus!
I am here to learn how to be human -- how to trust, how to hope and how to love. I want
to learn how to believe wholeheartedly and love passionately. Even God's Son wanted to become
human. Can you imagine? Think of it: A baby in a stable who made a woman cry, and a man
nailed to a cross who thought to say to a stranger in agony, "This day you will be with me in
paradise."
I want to learn how to be human. I want to learn how to die, how to go through death
with the "bread of life" and not to expect to get a life only after death. I want to be born into
eternal life when I die and leave the womb of this here life. I want to learn to sit at the table and
wait until everyone else is seated at the banquet in heaven, for without everyone being happily
there I cannot be happy here. I want to learn to count no lost sheep unworthy of my search and
my care, however feeble. I want to learn to want it all and how to wait for God, not Godot, but
God. I want to learn to let go, let God. I want to learn to be human. I want to learn to learn. I
want to learn to dance in friendship with God the dance of love, so that when I die I will not be a
wallflower who cannot dance, though oft invited, because, and only because, I have yet to learn
the steps of love.
I want to learn how to be human, just that, only that, fully that, human as Jesus was
human. That is why I am here.
Father Nicholas Ayo is a professor emeritus in Notre Dame's Program of Liberal Studies.
Photo of Father Ayo by Matt Cashore.
(April 2007)
